


Enough

by berryforager



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: Angst, Charlie finds and reads the letter, F/F, He does not react well, Jen and Judy deal with the fallout, Post-Season/Series 02, Which is understandable even though we may not like it, im sorry, love is pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-17 13:27:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29717853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/berryforager/pseuds/berryforager
Summary: Jen isn't prepared for the car to hit them.Her first thought, after the pain and the fog in her brain clears, is an angry, 'Jesus fuck, haven't we been throughenough?'When she smiles at Judy as they leave the hospital, gets a smile in return, matching bandages on their heads (and miraculously nothing else wrong with them), she starts thinking, 'Maybe I'm actually reallylucky.'Jen is in no way prepared for what hits them next.
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 22
Kudos: 46





	Enough

**Author's Note:**

> So, I've written a couple of post-Season 2 fics (because apparently that's all I'm inspired to write) that deal with Charlie reading Jen's letter to Judy, and in both he has a pretty good reaction/fairly easily comes to terms with it. With all his character development on the show, I'm hopeful for that result- but also know it could go in a different direction. I started thinking about how things could go if he had a very bad (yet totally understandable) reaction, and how Jen and Judy would deal with that.
> 
> This is the result. Thank you in advance for reading. ❤
> 
> *Rating disclaimer: I'm still not sure of the M/E line, but this probably toes it. Just FYI if that offends you.*

Jen isn't prepared for the car to hit them.

Obviously, in a literal sense- it comes out of nowhere. But figuratively, too. She'd been holding her breath for so long, waiting for something to happen, for someone to come knocking on her door, for the other shoe to drop, and finally, _ finally, _ she's sharing a moment of happiness, of joy, with Judy, she's letting her guard down, and, BAM. 

Her first thought, after the pain and the fog in her brain clears, is an angry, 'Jesus fuck, haven't we been through  _ enough?' _

That thought starts to change, when she sees Judy's bloody head, when she's filled with sudden terror that she could have lost her, lost this person who has become indispensable in her life (even though she hasn't worked through all the feelings there, has been too scared to with everything else that's gone on, not quite ready to become fully self-aware, she's not an idiot. She knows Judy is indispensable, knows she loves her, deeply). The relief she feels when she sees that Judy's okay, that they're okay, is overwhelming. 

It changes more when she realizes it's really the least of what she deserves after all she's done, some minor bumps and bruises and a totaled car that's still wearing a big red bow. When she smiles at Judy as they leave the hospital, gets a smile in return, matching bandages on their heads (and miraculously nothing else wrong with them), she starts thinking, 'Maybe I'm actually really  _ lucky.' _

Jen is in no way prepared for what hits them next. 

  
  


*

That night, they eat a takeout dinner where Henry is giddy and relieved that they're both okay and is talking a mile a minute, and Charlie is quiet and sulking, seemingly about the brand-new car he never got to have (the little shit). After the boys go to their rooms and Jen and Judy take much needed showers, they're in Jen's bathroom together, helping each other clean around their stitches and apply medicated ointment. They could probably do it separately, but they only have one tube of the ointment, and Jen doesn't mind being taken care of when Judy's the one doing it. She doesn't mind the way Judy's fingers are so gentle, or the way she softly blows on her forehead before replacing the bandage. Jen doesn't mind returning the favor, doesn't mind a (new) excuse to touch her, the hint of cleavage her robe reveals, or how she smells- 

A loud knock on the door breaks her from her thoughts, which are really just  _ Judy,  _ and she blinks. "Mom? Judy? I need to talk to you." It's Charlie, and his tone is startling; his voice is even, but she can hear it clearly- he hasn't sounded angry like this in quite a while. She quickly finishes putting Judy's bandage back on, and Judy gives her a grateful smile before walking out of the bathroom. 

"Come in, Char! Give me a second." Jen washes her hands before stepping into the bedroom, and when she does, the first thing she sees are Judy's huge, fear-filled eyes staring at her. Her own eyes widen in response, and before she can ask what's going on, Charlie points at the bed. 

"What's this?"

Jen is about to give a smart-ass response when her eyes follow his hand to see he's pointing to something  _ on _ the bed. Jen's stomach drops, nausea settling in. 

It's the letter she wrote to Judy. 

Her mind is spinning, faster than she can keep up, like a wheel on a game show, where will it land? What will she say? Judy is silent, clearly waiting on Jen to take the lead here, and the wheel sputters to a stop on "defiance".

"Where the fuck did you get that? Why are you taking things that aren't yours?" She leans over to pick it up, jabs her finger at it. "J-U-D-Y. I don't think that spells "Charlie", or am I wrong?" As she sets the letter on the nightstand, her heart is pounding so hard, she feels it in her ears. 

Charlie laughs, incredulously. "You're kidding me, right? That's what you want to focus on?" He turns to face Judy, who's now sitting on the bed, shoulders slumped, white as a ghost. "What about you? Are you going to tell me? What did Mom have to forgive you for? Were you screwing my dad?" 

Jen gasps, exclaims "Charlie!", tries to sound admonishing but this is escalating quickly, moving too fast, she's still processing what's happening and the train has hurtled  _ way _ out of the station. 

Charlie looks at her for a moment, "Yeah Mom, it doesn't take a fucking rocket scientist to figure out why you two were fighting so much before he died." Then he pauses and takes a deep, shaky breath Jen can hear; it breaks her heart to see him upset, but she doesn't know what to do. His eyes are back on Judy, pain evident in his words, "Or is it even worse than that? It was you, wasn't it? You hit him."

Judy still doesn't speak, but she looks up at Charlie, meets his gaze, tears falling down her cheeks now. Jen is stuck, this feels wrong, they should be talking over each other like they always do, making excuses, playing dumb, something,  _ anything... _ She finally opens her mouth, still not sure what's going to come out, panic rising, "No-"

"Yes," Judy says at the same time, quietly, but loud enough, and sad, so sad, all Jen wants to do is hug her. Then she sees the look on Charlie's face, it crumples in pain, in absolute anguish, before becoming something else. It hardens into rage. A rage she's seen in herself, and she wants to hug him, too. Jen is standing between them, two people that she loves so much, and she's desperate to protect them both; she's helpless to protect either. 

He turns to direct the look at her. "And you knew about this?" It's terrifying Jen, how  _ calm _ he's being, she would almost prefer he be screaming.

Jen glances at Judy, who mouths  _ I'm sorry _ , and she knows, the truth is all they have now. She's so, so tired of the lies anyway. Jen shakes her head, "No. Not at first." 

His nostrils flare as he nods in understanding. "When she left? When she wasn't going to be in our lives anymore? That's when you found out?"

"It wasn't her fault, Charlie," she tries reaching out, to touch him, to soothe him, and he yanks his arm away.

"Not her fault? Was she driving the car that killed Dad or wasn't she?"

"Well, yes, but Steve... Steve was there. He wouldn't let her go back. He was awful-"

"Wouldn't  _ let _ her? Guess he had a gun to her head then? Did he force her to move in with us, too? Keep tabs on us?" He looks back at Judy, "How fucked up can you be? Like making us pancakes will make up for killing our father? What would Henry think? You made him LOVE you, you made  _ us-"  _ he stops abruptly as Judy chokes down a sob, then he gathers himself and says to Jen, "How could you forgive her? And let her stay here after knowing what she did? What is it about her? You need friends that bad? That's pathetic." 

The truth is, Jen can't answer that, couldn't even answer when she's asked it of herself. To really understand the depths of her feelings for Judy, she would have to look inward in a way she's actively avoided for years. Maybe she'd have to start with why her once loving husband was never enough for her, why she'd pushed him away for a long time, long before mastectomies and Bambis and hit and runs. She'd eventually have to get to why she asked a near-stranger to move in with her, then why she couldn't stand being apart from Judy, why it was physically painful, even after knowing she'd lied and at least had a hand in Ted's death and in covering it up. 

It was more than the  _ other _ crime that now bound them together forever, that weighed heavy on her chest every fucking moment of every fucking day, that made her know she'd never be fully deserving of Judy's love, but she had to have her around in any way she could, because she's selfish, she's so selfish- 

Charlie is staring at Jen, waiting, she's lost in her thoughts until he adds an impatient, "Well?!?!", and she finally snaps out of it. 

"It's complicated-"

"Complicated, huh?" He cuts her off, "Does Steve have anything to do with that complication? What happened to him, Mom?" When she snaps her mouth shut, not ready for this line of questioning, he looks at Judy, "Did you kill him, too?"

Judy shakes her head furiously, she looks absolutely wrecked and Jen needs this to stop, doesn't know  _ how _ to stop it- Charlie's asking perfectly reasonable questions, really, but this she  _ can't _ truly answer. 

Jen tries to keep her voice calm, "Char, Judy is not capable of killing anyone. What happened with your father-"

"If she's capable of killing one person, she's capable of killing two. And you wanted to make her our  _ legal guardian? _ You can't be serious with that shit."

Jen ignores that, continues, "-it was a terrible accident, and she'd never hurt Steve."

Charlie stares at her, fire burning in his eyes, so bright she wants to look away. "Then who did? What did you have to confess to, Mom? What happened?" There's a momentary pause, all Jen can hear is her own pounding heart, then, "Whatever. I don't even care. I want her to leave."

Jen swallows down the nausea that's been snaking its way upward, "Well Charlie, you don't get to make that decision."

He laughs again, it's such a bitter sound, it hurts Jen's ears and heart to hear. "Of COURSE you care more about her than me."

Now the calmness Jen's been trying so hard to hold onto is slipping away, her own anger brimming to the surface. "Okay, that is completely unfair, and whatever you may think, I'm your mother, I deserve your respect!"

"I don't give a fuck what you think you deserve! She killed Dad! She should be in jail! I'll go to the cops."

"You will NOT go to the cops, there is no evidence even if you did!" Jen yells, it's all she can think to say.

He glares at her, "What about Steve? Is there any evidence about what happened to  _ him?"  _ Jen's heart stops, and she doesn't know what her face is doing, but Charlie's shows her that he knows he hit a nerve. He goes on. "Yeah. I can tell the police that his car was in our storage unit, that's probably something they'd be interested in, right? Come to think of it, Ben would probably find that super interesting too-"

Now Jen's blood is boiling, panic rising through the roof, "You wouldn't DARE! I told you, he was involved with some really dangerous people-"

"Bullshit! You're just trying to protect  _ her!" _ He points at Judy, who has been uncharacteristically quiet, it's making Jen nervous, she's about to lose it, grasping for anything to say or do to calm Charlie down, to make him understand.

"I know you're mad, but you need to listen to me-"

"No! I'm done listening to you. There's nothing you can say to me that will make me listen to you until she is actually out of our lives for good."

"That's  _ not _ going to happen-"

"Enough," Judy finally says, quietly, eyes screwed shut. Jen barely registers it; she's trying to hold back her all-consuming rage, knows it won't help the situation if she directs it at her son in the way she wants to. 

He's not backing down. "It will happen, or I'll have the cops on the phone right now-"

"Like  _ fuck _ you will, Charlie! I pay for that phone, I can take it away." 

"Oh yeah, that will stop me!" he scoffs, "Real hard to get a hold of another phone!"

"You-"

"ENOUGH!!!" Judy screams, hands now fists up at her head. Jen's heard Judy like this once before, and it makes her blood run cold the same as it did the first time, words dying on her lips. Charlie is silent now, too; he looks stunned.

Judy looks at Charlie, eyes begging for forgiveness. She doesn't say anything, just holds his gaze for a beat before shifting her focus to Jen. Then, softly, "He's right."

Jen's heart jolts painfully; she thinks she must have misheard, she's not ready to give up this fight. "What?" 

"He's right," Judy repeats, with more conviction in her voice. 

"Fuck yeah I am," Charlie's hatred seethes out of him. 

Jen tears her eyes away from Judy to glare daggers at Charlie. "You're a 16-year-old boy. You're  _ never _ right. You have no idea what you're talking about."

Charlie opens his mouth to speak again, but Judy does before he can. "You all deserve a fresh start, time to heal as a family, without me hanging around."

'No, no, no,' Jen thinks, shaking her head vehemently, can't shake it hard enough. "You're a part of this family, Judy."

"NO she ISN'T!" Charlie yells.

At the same time, Judy shakes her head sadly, "No, I'm not." Eyes pleading with Jen,  _ accept this.  _ "I tore your family apart." Her face is contorted in a pain Jen hoped never to see again, and Jen feels the anger begin to seep out of her, resignation and sadness immediately replacing it, tears falling from her own eyes as she aches to wipe Judy's away. 

Charlie sighs indulgently, can tell he's won, and Jen needs him out of her sight. She loves him with all of her, always will, but right now she kind of hates him, too, unfair as that may be. "Get out, Charlie," she says, evenly as she can. 

"Gladly!" And he does, slamming the door behind him. 

Jen looks at Judy, and as soon as their eyes meet she feels the breath leave her lungs; she can't deal with this. 

Judy opens her mouth, "Jen," she says, softly, pleading; the sound of it is too much for Jen.

"I need to check on Henry," comes out in a rush before she even thinks about it, and Judy nods in response, in understanding, not moving from the bed.

As Jen walks down the hallway, she takes deep breaths, trying to calm down, trying to figure out what to do. First thing is to convince Judy not to make any rash decisions, they can fix this. They can fix anything. 

Jen cracks open Henry's door and he's sound asleep- she sighs in relief, thankful he's such a deep sleeper. Explaining the fighting to him is something else she's not equipped to do at the moment. She watches him fondly, letting his sweet face ground her, basking in his innocence, then closes her eyes and hopes, to  _ something, _ that it doesn't get taken from him. 

Jen shuts his door quietly, then stops outside of Charlie's room. She can hear faint music, knows this means he's got it cranked up all the way with his headphones on. It makes her heart ache, how similar they are, and she nearly goes in, then decides against it. He needs time to calm down. She knows this better than anyone. 

Jen feels a little better as she approaches her room, head cleared a bit, breathing a little easier. When she opens the door and Judy is staring back at her, the look on her beautiful face is enough to stop Jen cold. She's not crying anymore. She looks peaceful, peaceful in a way Jen knows she's trying to assure herself that it's okay, assure  _ Jen _ that it's okay. Judy reaches her hand out immediately, and Jen steps closer after closing the door, but can't quite bring herself to touch Judy. There's a divide between them now, she can feel it. Judy drops her hand into her lap when Jen stops about a foot from her, nods and looks down, nervously playing with her rings. "It'll be okay, Jen. It's the right thing to do." She looks back up, and Jen can hardly bear the pain in her eyes, can see it despite the smile she's wearing. 

Jen's not conceding yet, says, "No. It's not Jude. Remember how mad I was when I first found out? That's where he's at. We can give him some time to cool off, call his bluff. He won't go to the police."

"We can't know that. He's a kid, he can't control everything he's feeling- completely valid feelings, by the way. He should hate me. And we can't take the risk of him going to the police, I can't, I  _ won't _ take that risk, not when it's your life and your freedom at stake, Jen. He's right, if they start poking around here about Steve... I can't let that happen."

"But-" Jen has to say something; nothing comes to mind, other than  _ I don't know if I can live without you,  _ and her hesitation is enough for Judy to keep going. 

"Even if he doesn't get the police involved... if I stay, he'll be miserable. It will ruin your relationship with him. I can't let that happen either. He's your  _ son, _ Jen, and you can make new friends."

Jen lets out a humorless laugh at that, "Ha! Even if that were true, I don't want other friends," she pauses and takes a shuddering breath, "I want you." She doesn’t mean for those last three words to come out the way they do, but her heart betrays her. 

Judy hears it, Jen can see it in her eyes. "I want you, too," she smiles wistfully, "But I'm used to not getting the things that I want. I'll be okay, and you will be, too. You have your boys and you'll all be okay."

Jen opens her mouth, desperate for the right words to come out, but then closes it. She has no argument. There are so many emotions coursing through her, some brand new, some she's been pushing down for a long time, but none of them seem to matter when she accepts the hard truth- it's not important what it is she actually feels for Judy; she'll never get to explore it. Whether Judy's her best friend or the love of her life (or both), this is happening, regardless. She's tried to accept this before, when she first found out about Ted and she thought she'd never see Judy again; her love for Judy won out in the end. This time, it's beyond her control. 

And Judy's right, they can't have the police poking around. The only thing that's worse than the thought of spending the rest of her life in jail is  _ Judy _ spending any of  _ her _ life there- Judy with the gigantic heart and angelic soul, who has so much love to offer to everyone she meets... 

Even if one of them didn't end up in jail, if Judy stayed, it'd be a prison for her here, too. She'd never be free to move on from all that's happened, all they've done; who knows how Charlie would treat her now, if he'd ever get over it, and if he were to tell Henry... it's all too much.

Jen knows the jig is up; she can't be selfish anymore. She has to love Judy enough to let her go. 

She's shaking. She doesn't know what to say or do, and when she meets Judy's eyes, it's like looking into a mirror. 

"What about all your money?" Jen asks, weakly. "Where will you go?"

Judy shakes her head, "I'll figure it out. I have some left, enough to find a place to live, and I don't care about the rest of it. I still want you to have a fresh start, free from Lorna. You can sell the house if you want to, you can do anything, start college funds for the boys, whatever. It's the least I can do for you."

"Jude," Jen can barely get words out, she blinks and tears fall, "You've done so much good for us. I meant everything I wrote in that letter, you've made us better, you've made  _ me _ better, you have to know that."

Judy nods and looks down, swallows and takes a deep breath; there's a look of determination on her face when she looks back up. 

"I need to tell you something. I should have told you a long time ago, but I need you to know. If this is the last time we ever see each other, I just... I need you to know."

Jen feels sick. She thinks she knows what's coming, and she can't hear it. It will break her. She doesn't speak, can't, and Judy keeps going. 

"I love you. I'm in love with you."

Anger has always been Jen's baseline when other emotions are too much, and it flares up here. She's shaking her head again. "No, don't- don't say that. Why? Why the fuck would you tell me that right now?" She's trying not to raise her voice, but can hear the pain, the rage simmering behind her words. 

Judy doesn't flinch at the anger, she only stands up and steps closer, trembling hands gently grabbing a hold of Jen's. Jen can't look at her, but she feels Judy's stare. "I need you to know. I need you to know that you're worth loving, that you're worth... everything. I never want you to question that."

Jen's looking at their hands, how they fit together, feels how soft and delicate Judy's are, and she  _ knows. _ She can't do it any longer, can't keep fighting what she feels because the guilt is too much, and she's scared, afraid of fucking it up, afraid of losing Judy and their friendship... she's losing her, anyway. When she meets Judy's eyes, sees the pure love there, that always has been, she wants to sob, wants to scream, wants to beat the shit out of whoever is pulling the strings that are making her finally accept how much she loves this woman  _ now,  _ when it's too late. 

Instead, she brings a hand up to Judy's face, and says, "I'm in love with you, too." Nothing has ever been easier or harder for her to say. Judy's eyes fill with tears and she smiles, genuinely, so big it moves Jen's hand up with her cheek. Jen keeps it there, thumb stroking up Judy's cheekbone to her temple, back down again. She's staring in Judy's eyes, trying to decide what color she'd call them, "brown" doesn't suffice; she doesn't settle on anything, and wishes she had a lifetime to figure it out. Then she lets herself really take in the perfection of Judy's face- obviously something she's noticed, but deprived herself of truly enjoying, never wanting to get caught. She might as well do it now. Judy's blushing a little under the scrutiny, but is quiet, lets Jen look, and then Jen hears herself whisper, "I'm sorry." There aren't words to express everything she's apologizing for. 

Judy brings her own hand up and covers Jen's with it. Jen sees understanding when she meets Judy's eyes again, it's one of the things she loves most about her- Judy always just  _ gets _ her, in a way no one else ever has. "I'm sorry, too." There really isn't anything else that needs to be said. 

Jen tilts her head down an inch or so until their foreheads meet (gently, carefully, to avoid their stitches), closes her eyes as they share the same breath. Soon she feels a soft pressure against her lips that's gone almost immediately, but the spark lingers; Jen's eyes snap open as Judy is pulling back, knows she meant it to be a quick peck, but now, Jen has to feel it again, that can't be  _ it.  _ She moves her hand to the back of Judy's neck to still her and this time she's the one who leans in, softly brushing their lips together, all of the circumstance flying out the window at the feel of it, the sheer perfection of it. Judy's hands settle on the small of her back, pulling her closer and Jen presses her lips harder against Judy's in response. Judy is holding back, Jen senses, knows why in the back of her mind, but doesn't care in this moment. Jen dares to sneak her tongue out, meeting Judy's lips with it, and as soon as their mouths open to each other, Jen is...  _ gone. _

Her head is swimming with the warmth of their kiss, the velvety feel of Judy's tongue, Judy's body pressed against her, love, desire, pain, it's so much and Jen doesn't know if she's feeling more overwhelming pressure in her chest or between her thighs. Her hands find an anchor on Judy's hips, gripping them tight through the thin material of her robe, and they're both breathless when Judy finally pulls away. 

Her eyes are dark, much darker than normal when she looks up at Jen, and voice an octave deeper when she says, "We shouldn't be doing this," like she's trying to convince them both. 

"I know," Jen replies, and she does know, but she doesn't move, doesn't lessen her hold on Judy's hips. She's selfish, she's greedy, she will take as much as she can get of Judy no matter how loudly her brain is screaming that it's a bad idea. She doesn't have the strength to stop it. Judy must not either, because after a beat she wraps her arms around Jen's neck and pulls her even tighter against her, joining their mouths again with a quiet moan that takes what's left of Jen's breath away. 

Jen has never felt this from a kiss before, this all-encompassing  _ need _ for another person, and it's intense enough on its own- combined with everything else she's feeling, she's not quite sure what to do, where to  _ put _ all of it. So she just pours all the emotion she can into the kiss, everything she's held back, she tries to tell Judy without words. With her lips, her tongue, her hands in her hair, down her neck, fingers sliding across her collarbone, then stilling when they reach the deep V of Judy's robe. Sensing Jen's hesitation, Judy pulls her head back slightly, her own hands not moving from where they're tangled in Jen's hair. Her pupils are fully blown now, cheeks pink, chest heaving, and Jen thinks she's never in her life seen someone more attractive. She hopes Judy can see it on her face, and from the slight smirk Judy gives her, she thinks she can. Then the smirk disappears and Judy regards her seriously. "Are you sure you want to do this?" She asks, and Jen knows the implication behind her words-  _ This can't change anything. _

Jen nods anyway. Because she does, she wants it so badly, has for so long and is sick of denying herself. They've barely started, and the connection is like nothing Jen has ever experienced in her life, she didn't know it could be like this. At least she'll have it, even if it is just this once. 

It has to be enough.

(It will  _ never _ be enough.)

At Jen's nod, Judy moves one of her hands to grab hold of Jen's, guiding it underneath her robe to her breast. Jen sighs and a new bolt of pleasure ripples through her, it's so soft and warm and  _ perfect,  _ she thinks as she begins moving her hand, kneading softly then running her thumb over Judy's nipple. Judy gasps lightly and pulls Jen to her, kissing her again and using their momentum to fall back onto the bed. 

Jen pulls open Judy's robe and her hands are desperate to touch everywhere they can, every single bit of soft skin they can reach. Judy's hands find their way under Jen's t-shirt, she has nothing on underneath and Jen feels her hips press down reflexively as Judy grips her back. Her touch is exquisite fire, even better than Jen has imagined. She's imagined it a lot, of course she has, late at night, coming around her own fingers in the dark, no light to see her shame. But in the shame of those moments there was hope, too, always there, hope that someday she'd be brave enough, maybe someday there could be a new beginning for her, for them.

The reality of the situation brings fresh pain to her heart and tears to her eyes. She should have been brave sooner. Maybe things would be different. Because this isn't a new beginning, she knows- this is goodbye. 

Jen is trailing kisses down Judy's neck and focusing on the breathy sounds she's making, documenting everything, the taste of her skin- it's so sweet, yet salty- and when she hears a soft "Hey" that makes her pull back, she realizes she's tasting her own tears. 

Judy's looking at her with such depth of emotion it's hard for Jen to breathe, and Judy moves one of her hands from Jen's back to her face, wiping her tears away. "No more tears, okay? I won't cry if you won't. Let's just... try to enjoy this."

Jen laughs, despite herself, "Always what you want to hear during sex."

Judy grins, "I've heard worse."

Jen looks down at her, admiring, "I doubt that."

"You're right. I haven't had many complaints." Judy's eyes are twinkling as she tucks Jen's hair behind her ear, and Jen's heart flutters; it feels like  _ them, _ easy, a moment of levity among the chaos. 

"What is there to complain about? That you're  _ too _ hot?" She really is, Jen has always noticed her beauty, you'd have to be blind not to, but seeing her like  _ this _ is truly something else. All of a sudden Jen can't remember not being attracted to her, can't believe she was able to ever deny it. Judy giggles and it's so cute that Jen  _ needs _ to be kissing her again; a thought stops her and she leans back further to look down at Judy, legs shifting to straddle her hips. "Jude, I'm sorry, I'm a shitty gentleman. You asked if I'm sure but... are  _ you _ sure you want to do this?" 

Judy smiles and then both of her hands are back under Jen's shirt, gripping her waist, thumbs stroking softly, enough to drive Jen crazy. "I thought I was pretty transparent, Jen. I've wanted this since we met. You're gorgeous. Sexy. Incredible. My favorite person ever."

Jen feels her chest constrict; Judy's looking at her so openly and so honestly and rather than do what feels natural and refute her words, Jen just lets herself believe them. The  _ wanting _ isn't the issue here, but they're grown-ups, they're on the same page; they both know they'll have repercussions to deal with, after. They've both decided it's worth it.  _ 'Enjoy this.' _ Jen repeats Judy's words to herself, and she trails her hands down Judy's chest to her stomach, reveling in the goosebumps that pop up as she goes, the way Judy presses further into her touch. Jen takes the time to untie Judy's robe now and fully open it up. Judy wordlessly shrugs out of it, leans up a bit to throw it to the side, eyes never leaving Jen's. All she's left in is purple underwear, and Jen licks her lips as she stares. "You're a fucking work of  _ art," _ she says, comes out close to a growl as she reaches down to take Judy's breasts in each hand, can't keep herself from touching them now. 

Judy bites her bottom lip, skirts her hands across Jen's stomach to the hem of her shirt, then pauses. "Please?" Jen will deny Judy nothing when she's looking at her like that, reaches down and pulls her shirt off, pushing away the briefest moment of insecurity. Judy has seen all the darkest parts of her, repeatedly, and has never looked away- she knows this won't be any different. 

_ "Jen,"  _ Judy says, reverent, as she reaches up immediately, mirroring Jen's actions, taking Jen's breasts in her hands. "You're so beautiful." 

Jen doesn't experience sensation there like she used to, but Judy's words, and looking into her eyes as they feel each other, hips pressed together, Judy's pushing up slightly, rhythmically, it's such a highly erotic moment and Jen doesn't remember ever being so turned on. She needs to feel  _ more, _ leans forward to lay her weight on top of Judy, their bare torsos and chests meeting and Judy sighs in contentment. She's so responsive, every sound she makes ratchets Jen's desire up even further. Jen tangles her hands in Judy's hair, grabbing tight as their lips and tongues meet again, messy and uninhibited now as they begin moving faster. Judy's fingers dig into Jen's back as she shifts her leg up a bit, angles it so Jen has something to grind down on, which she does immediately with a relieved groan and an "Oh fuck, Jude." She can feel how wet she is, the friction is heavenly and she never wants to stop. She does, though, after indulging herself for a few moments- she needs to explore all of Judy before getting off on her thigh like some kind of chump. 

Jen moves her mouth from Judy's, trails it to her ear. Tries a little nibble on her earlobe, something she likes, is curious if Judy does, too. The sharp gasp it elicits gives her a pretty good idea, so she does it again. "I love you," she whispers into her ear when she's done, she feels it so strongly she has to say it, before moving further down, enjoying Judy's neck now. She finds what seems to be a very sensitive spot, based on Judy's moans, and she bites gently before sucking,  _ hard.  _ Her skin tastes so good, and Jen wants to mark her. Maybe it's a cruel thought, but she wants her to have a tangible reminder of this, for as long as possible. 

Judy's nails are scraping her scalp now, as she gasps out, "I love you too, Jen. That feels so  _ good." _

Jen's desperate to make her feel even better, and her mouth continues mapping Judy's body, kissing down to her breasts, where she really wants to spend some time. Jen has been so wrapped up in Judy that she hasn't given much thought to this being the first time she's doing this with another woman, the significance of it, and it registers with her for a split second how weird it is that it  _ isn't _ weird. It feels natural, primal, the way she wants her. She hums as she takes one of Judy's breasts in her mouth, God she's perfect, Jen wants her to feel worshipped, loved, everything she deserves that Jen would give her forever, that she can only give her now. She brings a hand to Judy's free breast, palming it then rolling the nipple between her fingers as her tongue swirls around its counterpart. 

Judy is writhing, mumbling incoherently, moving her hands all over Jen and Jen fucking loves it, all of it, feeling totally surrounded by Judy. She shifts her knee into Judy's core and Judy begins moving against it. Jen's not meaning to tease, just wants to memorize every part of Judy, but when she hears a strangled, "Please touch me," in her ear, she moves her hand from Judy's chest down to cup her over her underwear, pressing into her gently at first, then rubbing light circles. "Yes, more, more Jen," is the hottest thing she's ever heard, until the noise Judy makes a few seconds later when Jen dips her fingers inside the fabric, making direct contact with Judy's wetness. Jen looks up in time to see Judy throw her head back, baring her throat, and  _ fuck _ it's sexy. Jen feels a new rush of arousal at the feel of her, so soft and warm, and can't take her eyes off Judy's face as her fingers begin to move. Jen finds the spot she's looking for and Judy arches up even further, it's mesmerizing, and Jen has to be inside her. She runs her index finger around Judy's clit a few more times, then enters her with it, in and out, slowly. "Oh, oh,  _ oh," _ Judy's panting now, and Jen feels wild with lust.

"Fuck," she breathes as she tears her eyes away from Judy's face to watch her own hand work. She's only done this to herself but she knows what feels good. She adds her middle finger and starts moving faster, thumb from her free hand rubbing patterns on Judy's clit and she hears a muffled scream, looks up to see Judy clamping her hand over her mouth, hips pumping off the bed to meet Jen. She slows but doesn't stop, moves her other hand to take Judy's off her mouth, lacing their fingers together on the bed by Judy's head as she leans down, close. Judy's eyes open, find Jen's, and Jen has never, ever, felt a closeness like this. 

"Kiss me," Judy demands, so Jen does, with everything she has as her hand keeps working, she can feel Judy's close; this time, the scream Judy lets out is muffled by Jen's mouth. 

Jen rolls off of Judy, laying on her side to watch her, only letting go of her hand as she shifts to get comfortable, then grabbing it again to place soft kisses on the inside of Judy's wrist, on each of her rings. She doesn't want to blink, tries to look everywhere at once- the rapid rise and fall of Judy's flushed chest; it's starting to slow now. The sated smile on her lips as they release puffs of air. The way her long, dark eyelashes contrast against her creamy skin, how they move as her eyes flutter open and crinkle in delight when she finds Jen staring. 

Judy moves their joined hands to her lips, kissing Jen's. "Wow," she breathes. 

Jen quirks an eyebrow, "Yeah?"

Judy nods, "You're amazing."

Jen is filled with pride. "You're beautiful." It's an incredible understatement, and has barely left her mouth before Judy pushes Jen gently onto her back and throws a leg over her, straddling her now. Jen gasps as she looks up at Judy, this her favorite view so far. 

"My turn," Judy says, the look on her face downright predatory. 

Jen smirks as she reaches up to run her hands down Judy's sides, "Your turn? What was that we just did?"

Judy smiles at her, full-wattage, "Oh that was  _ incredible. _ But I've been waiting a very long time to touch you."

"You  _ would _ be a giver," Jen can hear the fondness, the excitement in her words. She suddenly feels a burning behind her eyes and in her throat; she closes her eyes, swallows, wills it away. Before she opens them again, she feels Judy's weight on top of her and sighs as she sinks further into the bed. It's heaven, and she breathes in deep when Judy's hair tickles her face, she always smells amazing, and Jen loves being engulfed by it. Judy starts at Jen's ears, same as Jen did with her, and Jen shivers when she feels the soft bite of Judy's teeth. Judy moves to Jen's neck and- "Oh fuuuck," Jen groans, she is definitely going to have a mark from that, and feels so happy, so sad that Judy wants to possess her, too. Jen has never  _ felt _ so much in her life as she is feeling right now. She's a live wire, a raw nerve, every cliche in the book; it feels like everywhere Judy touches leaves a mark and adds to the burning in her heart and between her legs. 

Judy is moving slowly down her body, even slower than Jen was with her. Jen can feel it, in every touch, kiss, lick, bite- Judy loves her, every part of her. "You're gorgeous, you're perfect," whispered against her skin. No one's ever made her feel like this before, and she pushes away the thought that no one ever will again. Thankfully, the lower Judy gets, the easier it is to let go of rational thought, to give in fully to the sensations of it. Jen's hands are tangled in Judy's hair, head thrown back on the bed, when she hears Judy say something she doesn't catch. She lifts her head to look down at her. "Hmmmm?" Jen asks, dazed.

Judy looks up at her and grins wolfishly. "Lift your hips up." Jen obliges, and her pyjama pants and underwear are peeled off instantly, Judy sitting up to slide her legs out of them completely, kissing each of Jen's ankles as she does. Everything she does is so loving and perfect, Jen kind of feels like she's in a movie. Some really romantic porno. She laughs a little at the thought. 

"What?" Judy asks with a smile as she settles back between Jen's thighs, up on her knees, hands on either side of Jen's hips, looking at her with those dark eyes under heavy lids. 

"Um," Jen gulps at the sight, mind foggy, "I'm just really enjoying this." 

"Mmmm," Judy nods as the fingertips of one hand trace light circles on Jen's inner thigh, making her jump. "Good." Jen watches as Judy lowers her head, then she throws her head back again, hips shooting up as Judy's fingers part her and tongue gets to work. 

Jen knows she's mumbling some choice words as her hands find their way back to Judy's hair, and she thinks it's "Holy mother-fucking shitballs" that makes Judy giggle against her, but can't know for sure. All she knows is what Judy's doing with her lips, teeth, and tongue feels better than anything she's ever felt, and when she adds her hand, pad of her thumb rough on Jen's clit, soft tongue inside her, Jen knows she won't last long. Her orgasm hits and she cries out loudly, tears pricking her eyes at the full-body rush of it, fingers still twined tight in Judy's hair.

Judy doesn't stop immediately, but slows, then kisses her way back up Jen's body, head settling in the crook of her neck as she loops an arm around Jen's waist, intertwines her leg with Jen's. After a moment she moves her hand to rest over Jen's still-racing heart. Jen laces their fingers together again, places a kiss on Judy's head; she wants to say something, wants to express how fucking incredible that was, how perfect, how much she loves Judy but she can't over the lump in her throat. If she tries, the dam will break. Judy seems to know, of course, she doesn't say anything either. She just kisses Jen's neck and squeezes her, tight. 

After the day they've had (Jen can't believe the car wreck was earlier today, it seems like weeks ago), it's a moment of pure peace. A moment Jen wishes could last forever. It can't, and she suddenly feels suffocated by it, it's too much. "I have to pee," she mumbles as she untangles herself from Judy, gets up and grabs her clothes on her way to the bathroom. As she sits on the toilet, the adrenaline slowly leaves her body, and she realizes how much pain she's in, from her head to her toes. Every kind imaginable. 

Judy walks in, tying her robe on as Jen is brushing her teeth. "Are you okay?" She asks softly as she comes up behind her, hands stroking up and down her arms, their eyes locking in the mirror. Jen simply shakes her head as she spits out her toothpaste. She rinses out her mouth and turns around, wrapping Judy in her arms, nose in her hair, breathing in her favorite smell in the world. 

"Stay?" She chokes out. Judy pulls back and looks at her, then nods. A small smile forms on her lips as she motions towards Jen's toothbrush. 

Jen can't help but smile back. "Gross," she grumbles, but hands it over. Judy turns toward the sink and Jen is overcome with sadness. She can't watch, so she goes back into the bedroom, crawls into bed and waits. A couple of minutes later, Judy is climbing in beside her, resting her head on the same pillow, facing her. They stare at each other for awhile until Judy breaks the silence. 

"I wish things were different," she whispers. 

Jen nods, swallowing down tears for what feels like the hundredth time that night. She wants to say  _ "they can be",  _ but she still doesn't know  _ how, _ and they're past that now. "Me too."

Judy brings her fingers to Jen's jaw, holding her in place, like she wants to make sure she's paying attention. There are tears shining in her eyes. "You deserve happiness, Jen, and you deserve love. Promise me you won't give up on it." It's so  _ Judy, _ to be solely concerned with Jen when Jen knows her heart is breaking, too. 

Jen can't fathom the thought of loving another person, not when her heart is bursting at the seams with what she feels for Judy, but she closes her eyes and nods anyway. She can't verbalize a response, is barely keeping it together. Then she feels Judy's soft lips on hers, hands on her cheeks, stroking her face. Jen's eyes open, and she doesn't know what Judy sees in them, but Judy knows what Jen needs before Jen does. This time when Judy makes her come, tongue in her mouth and fingers so gentle yet firm inside her, Jen can't keep the tears at bay. 

The sobs wrack her body and Judy holds her, telling her how much she loves her, how strong she is, how thankful she is that they met, over and over again. It's an exact role reversal of the last time they shared this bed, when Jen was the one comforting Judy. Jen remembers exactly how she felt that night- how much love she was feeling for Judy and how desperate she was to make things right, how hard it was to accept what she was about to do. It was excruciating; it was nothing compared to what she's feeling now. 

Jen feels Judy's tears in her hair, focuses on Judy's soft voice in her ear until she finally falls asleep. 

*

Jen is cold when she wakes up. 

She reaches her arm out and her eyes snap open, then immediately go to the nightstand where she placed Judy's letter the night before. It's gone, and she knows, deep in her bones that Judy's gone, too. 

It's early, the boys won't be up for awhile yet and she hurts all over. She lays there a little longer before getting up to venture out to the guest house. A ball of dread is heavy in her stomach as she pushes open the door, and she sees that she was right. Judy's things are gone. Jen spots a piece of paper on the desk and she slowly walks over to pick it up. 

_ Jen, Charlie, and Henry- _

_ I'll love you forever.  _

_ -Judy _

Jen feels numb as her eyes scan the words, over and over again, thumb tracing the J in Judy's name. She's taken back to the first time they met, to Judy handing her the piece of paper with her name and phone number written on it. If she could go back, knowing then what she knows now, knowing everything that would happen... would she still call? The tears begin to fall as she comes to the conclusion:

She'd call. 

She'd call every. Fucking. Time.

Jen's heart feels shattered in her chest, and she knows when it eventually pieces itself back together, there will always be a Judy-shaped hole. She almost longs for rage, wants to feel  _ mad _ because it's easier, and for so long she's had plenty of anger to go around; there's nowhere to direct it now, though. She can't feel anger at Charlie, none of this is his fault; she tries to conjure up some anger at Judy, for leaving this way, but she can't, can't blame her, really. A long, drawn-out goodbye would have been fucking terrible, and Jen did the same thing when she left to turn herself in. She wants to feel anger at herself for letting last night happen, when she  _ knew _ it would make this all the more painful. She can't. She can't regret it, even for a second. 

All that's left is heartbreak. 

She lays down on the bed, curls herself around a pillow. It smells like Judy. She cries for hours. 

*

"Where's Judy?" are the first words out of Henry's mouth after Jen pulls herself together enough to go back into the main house. The boys are sitting at the bar, eating cereal, both looking at her with different kinds of expectancy in their eyes. "Did you break up again?" he continues before Jen can swallow her emotion to answer. 

It's all a continuous stab to the chest, the thought of them being together then "breaking up" somehow so close to and so far from the truth. 

Jen tries to keep her voice light, "Judy moved out, she found a new place."

The anger in Charlie's eyes dims, the concern in Henry's turns to disbelief, to sadness. "What? And she didn't say goodbye? Will we still see her?"

Jen reaches out and grabs his hand. "Judy living here was always going to be temporary. And yes, I'm sure we will still see her," she says, the words almost burning her throat. Those two lies are harder to get out than any of the other lies she's spewed over the last year. 

"I'll miss her," he says tearfully, and Jen doesn't trust her voice to respond.

"It's okay, Henry," Charlie chimes in, reaching to pat his brother on the back. His eyes meet Jen's, with something that looks like the beginning of forgiveness. "We'll always have each other."

Jen gives him the best smile she can muster. There's a little light shining through the cracks. She knows they'll be okay. 

*

The first days that pass, Jen's living in a fog. The heartbreak she feels, while different, eclipses what she felt after Ted died. There's nothing else to focus on, no crime to solve, just the knowledge that she had true friendship, true love, for a brief moment and lost it, and there's nothing to be done about it. 

She spends a lot of time at first, too much, wondering what she could have done differently. What she could have said to Charlie, to Judy, if there's anything she could have done to make her stay. But then she'll have a dream, some variation of Judy staying where Charlie hates them, Henry too, or she and Judy are talking to each other through a glass partition, one of them wearing an orange jumpsuit (it always seems to alternate), and she wakes up knowing there's no iteration of this where they could have been happy. It's helpful, actually. It forces her to move to acceptance. 

She also has good dreams. Dreams of their night together, where she can almost feel Judy, almost smell her. Other moments, too, that mean just as much- smoking on the beach, drinking wine on the outdoor couch, watching Judy cook and joke with the boys in the kitchen. It's those dreams she never wants to wake up from. 

The pain pills Jen has from the wreck aide her sleep at first. When those run out, sleep is much harder to come by. What keeps her up more than anything, more than missing Judy's friendship, more than aching to have her in her arms, more than wishing they'd had more than the one night together, is worrying about how she's doing, is hoping she's okay. Jen thinks if she knew Judy was okay, was happy, maybe she'd be able to sleep. She almost calls, almost texts, so many times. But she tells herself it'd be selfish, that Judy deserves to really move on. 

It's how she knows that what she feels for Judy is pure, is true, is different than anything she's ever felt before. All she wishes is for her to be happy.

*

The days turn to weeks, and Jen decides to put the house on the market. The boys are upset at first, but Charlie quickly becomes supportive, helps sell the idea to Henry. They need to downsize, Jen tells them, and it's true. 

What's also true is that she needs to be somewhere different. Somewhere she doesn't always see Ted slamming the door, see Steve floating facedown in the pool, see Judy... everywhere. 

The weeks turn to months, and they move. Karen hugs Jen and cries a little bit on moving day, gives her a gift basket of several bottles of wine, makes Jen promise to keep in touch, to invite her over to share them. Jen actually does- she finds that Karen's presence is comforting sometimes (though the wine is an absolute  _ must). _

The new house is smaller, with no pool, which Jen is grateful for, and is closer to the beach, where she and the boys spend a lot of time. Every time she feels the breeze from the water, she closes her eyes, and she feels Judy.

The months turn to years. 

Jen pours all of her energy into being the best mother she can be to Charlie and Henry, and maintaining a successful career. She's doing well at both, and the boys fill her life with love, of course. Her relationships with them change and grow and only become stronger. Life is calm, and life is... good.

Henry continues in the Holy Harmonies and church becomes almost a second home for him. As he reaches middle school age, he joins the youth group and makes a lot of friends. Shandy even goes with him sometimes, and the place hasn't burned down yet. Jen still can't bring herself to buy into it, but so far, it's good for him, and she even goes with him some Sundays, not only when he's performing. It makes him happy when she comes, and there are times when the message isn't overly  _ religious- _ times when things like guilt, like forgiveness, like unconditional love are explored. Jen can't explain it, but sometimes she leaves feeling not closer to God (she doesn't think that'll ever happen), but closer to Judy, somehow. 

Charlie has found a passion- video game design. He joins the extracurricular club at school, and while he insists "95% of the people in it are massive fucking dorks", Jen can tell it means a lot to him. He even tries hard in his last couple of years of high school, seeing the importance of good grades in getting into college. The pride Jen feels in seeing his growth is overwhelming.

The hole in her chest doesn't ever go away, but it does get easier to live with.

After a while, realizing she actually does need companionship outside two teenage boys, Jen finds the confidence and desire to put herself out there to socialize. She goes out with Christopher, really depends a lot on that friendship that's also been re-built from the wreckage. She gets hit on quite often when they're out, is accepting of it depending on her mood, sometimes even gives out her number. She joins a gym, after deciding to branch out from her bedroom workouts, and it's a decent place to meet people, too. 

She has some one-night stands. She dates. She finds that she's still attracted to some men she meets, but she doesn't deny herself her attraction to women anymore, either. It's freeing, letting herself date whoever she wants, not over-thinking it. There are a few people who she even keeps around for months at a time, who she shares affection with, even some pretty good sex. The relationships never last, for one reason or another, and Jen is never heartbroken by it. 

She knows it's because no one can touch what she felt for Judy. No one even comes close. 

She thinks of Judy's words to her, "don't give up on love", and she really doesn't think she has- she just thinks she might be someone who isn't meant for long-term monogamy at this point in her life, and that's okay. It works for her- occasional companionship, occasional loneliness.

She knows there's one person it would have worked out with, if only had things been different. 

If only love had been enough. 

*

Jen does try calling Judy, once, after Charlie moves to Seattle for college. She talks herself out of it a million times, knows it isn't fair, knows Judy has moved on, but one night she has one too many glasses of wine, she's missing her so much it hurts, just wants to hear her voice again, and she calls. 

The number's no longer in service. 

*

"Yes, Lorna, I know," Jen says, exasperated, phone balanced precariously between her shoulder and ear as she sits down at a small table, placing her coffee and laptop on it. "I will get there early... I'm already in Irvine. Uh-huh... of course I appreciate you recommending me, and will definitely appreciate the commission, but don't you have something better to do in retirement than be up my ass- hello?"

Jen sighs as the line goes dead, and places her phone next to her laptop. She could have handled that more gracefully, and will probably be sending Lorna some flowers as an apology/thank you double whammy. An old, very wealthy client of Lorna's is selling her home, and since Lorna is "semi-retired" (Jen still hasn't figured out exactly what that means), she recommended Jen to her client. Which is how Jen finds herself in a Starbucks inside a Barnes and Noble in Irvine, killing a little time before she arrives at the house. Promptly. 

Jen opens up her laptop to work on another listing when she hears a tiny voice say, "Hi!" She doesn't see anyone, then peers over her laptop to find an adorable little girl.

Jen smiles, "Well hi there!" She looks around, doesn't see any adults in the immediate proximity and closes her laptop. The girl walks closer, and she's smiling, beautiful- wild crop of sandy blonde curls on her head, and huge eyes, some kind of golden brown, Jen feels like she  _ knows _ those eyes-

"Grace!" comes a woman's frantic voice from behind her, and Jen's heart stops. She definitely knows that voice. "What have I told you about wandering off?!" Judy reaches the girl's side, hasn't seen Jen yet, and it gives Jen a moment to compose herself. "I'm so sorry-" she starts, then looks up and gasps. "Jen! Oh my God!" There's no time to think as Judy catapults towards her, wrapping her in a tight hug. 

All Jen can do is wrap her arms around Judy in response, and try to breathe. She smells the same. Suddenly, five years evaporate into thin air. It's like no time has passed at all.

"I've missed you so much," Judy says, her emotion palpable. 

"Me, too," Jen chokes out. She doesn't have the words or the time to explain how much. 

Judy steps back after a few moments, and Jen takes her in. She looks almost exactly the same, still so beautiful it takes Jen's breath away. Her hair is just a bit longer, but although she hasn't lost weight, she seems...  _ lighter.  _ "Hi! You look amazing! How are you? How are the boys?"

Jen clears her throat, "Hi. Good. They're good. Henry's a sophomore in high school now, he's very involved in theatre," that makes Judy's face split into a full-blown grin, "and loving it. He's really in his element. And Charlie is in his second year at the University of Washington. He's studying video game design." Judy's face becomes even brighter at that, somehow. 

"That's fantastic! I-"

"Mommy?" Grace tugs at Judy's dress, and Jen feels her own grin break out, tears spring to her eyes. She wants to ask Judy about her- about  _ how- _ because there's no doubt this child is  _ Judy's _ .

Judy's eyes snap down, it's like she'd forgotten Grace was there, and she immediately picks her up. "I'm sorry, baby," she looks back to Jen. "This is my very good friend, Jen. Can you say hi? And tell her your name?"

She smiles and waves. "Gwacie."

"Hi Gracie! How old are you?"

Gracie looks down at her hand in concentration, fingers spread out before carefully putting some down, until there are only two left. She holds them up proudly. Judy is beaming watching her, and Jen's heart could burst. 

"Two?! Really! Such a smart girl!" She looks at Judy. "And so beautiful."

Judy opens her mouth to respond when a tall, handsome man walks up next to her, balancing a Barnes and Noble bag, two coffees, and cake pop in his hands. He hands the cake pop to Gracie, who squeals in delight. Judy's eyes shift to him from Jen, and she raises an eyebrow. "A cake pop? You know she'll have cake at this birthday party, right?" 

He shrugs, "So what's a little appetizer?" and they smile at each other. 

Jen watches, feels like she's intruding, and can see where Gracie's hair came from. Judy turns to Jen again. "Jen, this is David. And David, this is Jen."

Jen holds her hand out, "Nice to meet you," she says, almost completely meaning it, and he takes her hand, eyes lighting up. 

"Wait,  _ the _ Jen? I've heard so much about you. So good to meet you," He's smiling, nothing but kindness in his eyes, and that combined with the easy smile on Judy's face put Jen's mind at ease about what "so much" could mean. He looks at Judy, "We're running late, but do you want to stay here and catch up with Jen? Gracie and I can swing back and pick you up after all the bounce house fun."

Jen is about to interject when Judy beats her to it, after a moment of hesitation, "No, I'd love to, but don't want to miss Anna's party." She looks at Jen, apologetic. "Anna is Gracie's cousin." Jen nods in understanding.

"Okay," David says, "Well Jen, we'd love to have you over for dinner sometime." Jen can tell he means it, can tell from this brief interaction the kind of person Judy's with. She's feeling many things right now, and thankful is one of them, but she's not sure how she wants to respond to that, and there's a brief silence. "It was very nice meeting you," he adds, then holds out his arms to Gracie, she happily goes to him as he hands Judy a coffee. "I'll get the princess to the car, see you out there in a minute?" Judy nods.

"It was nice meeting you, David. You too, Gracie," Jen finally finds her voice, smiling when Gracie gives her a wave and a big, chocolate covered grin. 

When they're gone, Jen and Judy's eyes meet again. Judy's are filled with tears, and Jen knows hers are, too. "Jude... she's  _ perfect." _

Judy looks prouder, happier than Jen's ever seen her when she nods. "Isn't she?" The moment of silence is thick, filled with so much to say, too little time. Judy grimaces. "I'm so sorry, I have to go." She reaches into her purse, pulls out a pen and a piece of paper. Jen watches as she scribbles her phone number on it, feels a pull in her chest as Judy writes her name. When she hands it to Jen, Jen's thumb immediately goes to the J, tracing over it. The ink smudges a little. 

"I got a new number. Please... if you want to, call me." She grabs Jen by the arms, hugs her again, tight. "I'm so happy to see you." 

"You too," Jen manages, heart in her throat. 

When Judy pulls away, there are tears on her cheeks. Jen's hand almost reaches up to wipe them away, it's automatic; she stops herself. "Bye, Jen."

"Bye, Jude."

Watching her walk away, Jen aches to reach out, pull her back close, never let go. As Judy gets further from her, Jen almost looks down, she knows her chest is splitting open, breastbone must be cracked in two, that's what it feels like. But she can't tear her eyes away. 

She watches through the window as Judy catches up to David, laughing at something he says as they load Grace into the car. It gives Jen peace knowing that Judy has everything she ever wanted. Right before she climbs into the car, Judy turns around and looks back through the glass. Their eyes meet, and Judy lifts up her hand in a wave. Jen mimics the action and smiles. 

Judy's happy. Judy's loved. Judy's  _ free. _

It's enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you'll let me know your thoughts, even if you hate it- my main goal in writing is to evoke emotion, even though I know this one was tough. Writing this made me think a lot about the saying, "It's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all"...
> 
> Thanks so much for reading.


End file.
